There is a beautiful poem by Rumi that I often come back to.
As I am exploring life more throught the eyes of the Buddha I often come back to this poem. To the field. Here it is:

Rumi – There is a field

It is beyond ideas of rigth and wrong. For it strives for nothing. It does not strive from anything either. It is already there. Ready to bloom. Ready to be seen. Ready for you to experience. Ready for freedom.

In practicing Mindfulness I have found that the Now has become somtimes almost overwhelmingly rich. I often cry out of gratitude and amazement in my practice.
But in a state of judgment there is so much to keep track of. If say you see a flower you directly decide what color it is, if you can smell it, if it looks healthy or if it is about to decay. You perhaps try to find the name of it.  Perhaps you also have judgements about if you like it or not. But beyond that is the vast space of Eternity. In every little atom of that flower lies the intention and creation of that flower. All the compounds and all the contributions required for it to be here and now. To be just as it is. Here and now. So that you can see it, experience it. We are the same. You. And I. Eternity has shaped us. Every cell has miraculously  become just what it is in this moment. Every cell contributing to the whole of you. That which makes you YOU and not someone else. We are the same on so many levels and yet we so often go for the appearance. Living in and through our thinking (and judging) mind. Making up stories. When the Magic of Eternity in Everything is so utterly Amazing.
Today I wish to sit with you. Would you mind? Would you mind having me next to you for a little bit? Never mind me, you don´t have to interact. I could just Be here with you. Wherever you are. Like a friend. A silent friend. A well-wishing friend.  And I could remind you of that which has no words, that which cannot be limited to words. That which just Is. And the richness of that. I hope that contributes to you and to your Metta.

Much Love
S

What an amazing question right! I bet you never thought of that one before 😉

We go around, mostly in our heads, thinking about who we are and who we are not. In relations to others I am a mother, I am married, I live in a yellow house, I drive a Volvo, I have a cat.. and so on and so forth. But those are just empty facts. Sure they do have meaning. But not meaning as in what am I really doing with my time.

I was just listening to a talk where this lady shared that at a retreat they got to swop identities with someone else. I e whatever that person did during one day – so should they.  They got to put their names in a hat and draw a name and then really get into the head of the other person. How did they start their day? What did they have for breakfast? Was the person very low energy or high energy?
This got me to really ponder from a different view about myself. See I love to think of myself as a heartfelt person. A warm person. A kind person. Although I am well aware of my flaws when I am hungry/tired/stressed out and none of these traits seems to be embodied by me. So what if I was asked: What do you do during a day? How do you act?
What would I respond?
I like to think I am following the path of the Buddha to become more in tune with who I aim to be.. the person I wish to embody.. the traits I wish to embody and inspire others to be. But this.. it really made me think. Both about that whichever I think I am and believe I am is not always true but also how that makes me rather blind to what is really going on.
What is my conditioning? What is my choice? What is my Karma in this?
What is the ACTUAL outcome of my deeds rather than my intentions in my head.

I decided a few days ago to start writing in a diary. Just to become more aware. Awareness is not always pleasant. For sure. But it does bring more choice.

❤

The concept of Metta, or Loving Kindness, is in it´s totality not fully revealed to me. But I find myself pondering it almost everyday, especially as it a big part of my Buddhism studies.
To me Loving Kindness is both what we can embody towards each other, and towards ourselves. A space of no-judgment and allowance. An intention of lessening suffering.
When we realise we all share feelings, thougths and emotions and thus through others we can know ourselves and through ourselves we can know others – we are also able to open up into a space of being kind and to use our energy in creating a world that becomes better and not worse.

It is easy to get stuck in the concept of attachement when it comes to Metta, at least I have found that to be true. I will share one example.
We live close to a grocery store. Outside of the store, in the cold autumn air sits a lonely woman. She is probably around my age and she also has two children.
On this one day I passed her by I was sad by something. I felt uneasy. And perhaps I wanted to feel better, but I handed her some money. Sometimes I do and sometimes I don´t with beggers. I just felt.. omg how cold she must be. And those poor kids.. how can I help? Money. Well. So I asked her: How old are your children? 5 and 9. I tried to tell her I´d go home and look for some clothes that my kids had outgrown. She nodded. I created an idea in my head. And then stuffed it away.
The days went on. My own kids got sick. I got sick. I hadn´t been able to go back to the store in many days. I wondered.. did she think I was not keeping my word? Would she be mad? Did I make her sad? Sadder? I felt guild and shame build up behind my back hovering over me like a cloud. Instead of making the world a better place, bit by bit, I felt even worse. My good intentions had become a liablity to myself. A yoke on my shoulder. And it increased my inner stress. How could what I had intended to be a contribution become so tough to carry? My abilities to meet my intentions were not a match.

Today I met her again. I gave her some old clothes that I had found in my sons drawers. And I added an extra blanket. She seemed happy. I felt a tiny feeling of joy spiced with shame. Feelings are so interesting! Why did I not just feel joy? Why shame?

If we look at this closer it becomes clearer. What happened here:
1. A feeling of being not good enough (me).
2. Experienceing suffering (me) and recognizing suffering (in her).
3. Deciding I wanted to contribute.
4. A meeting.
5. Deciding how that would come to be. I e giving her something.
6.Creating an image in my head about how that would look.
7. A sense of joy and ease (me).
8. Attachment to outcome (me).
9. Not being able to fulfil  – experiencing guilt and shame and stress.
10. Expressing that nagging feeling unskilfully by not being aware of what was going on and lashing out at my family bc I felt unfulfilled and stuff.
11. Gathering some stuff and giving it to the begging lady who seemed to be very confused over my gifts but ended up having at least one blanket on her easing the cold weather.
12. Me feeling somewhat awkward.

When it comes to attachment Buddhism says something like we should not be attached because it causes suffering. This example is so interesting as I created it all by myself.
I could have also have had Metta towards myself and told myself: Well that was a great intention. You did your best! That was very kind of you. Thank you.
I think that without attachment that added so much stress and feelings, when we see things as they are, in every moment, we can free up so much energy from emotions that would actually create more kindness in the world.

.. returning and opening to the softness of You.

 

Ok, highly embarrassing but I´ll share anyway. Human beings need other people to reflect into themselves, feel connected and feel a part of the bigger picture 🙂

Yesterday I was attending Mindfulnessinstructor training and feeing so THERE. Excercise after excersise exploring mindful living, doing/being everything really slowly and with awareness.

Then it happened. I had to pee. We were just about to get started after lunch and felt like I had to make it in time. I was in a hurry. As I was pulling my pants back up again ooops my phone fell out of my pocket and into the toilet. This was so not and Ooooops! moment. My interpretation of mindfull beingness, being in equinimity, totally flew out the window. This was one of those moments when in a milisecond I realised the consequences it may cause. A total what!!?!?!? moment when the body pumps up all adrenaine available and the mind goes F***!!?! and it dawned on me that every milisecond it stays in the water is  closer to the cliff of loosing EVERYTHING!

(Yeah I know. I am totally addicted to my phone)

I cried. I was frustrated. Then I felt fear. Then I cried because I thougth I was such a looser to cry over a phone and then I cried when I realised all that might have been lost. And then I bashed myself for being all emotional when all I wanted in class was to look serene and happy and THERE. And my mind went bonkers. And I had to use all the tools to reclaim my awareness. Grand and gloriously timing don´t you think?

And just the other day as I was driving  I had been  listening to Chögyam Trungpas book on Spritiual Materialism and how this tibetan (?) munk/seeker had lost all his precious notes when another man had tipped their boat from pure jealousey and all the notes and papers with all the knowledge he had been taught by this enlightened man he had spent so much time and god on just floated away.

I can relate.

Only he later said that what he really had written down wasn´t really that important because what he knew to be true he knew. He didn´t need the notes to know what he knew. (I´m not there yet).

Practicing mindfulness has a lot to do with acceptance of what is. To stop, observe, accept and to then act or let go. One part of me knew that as I could not act right now I was better off resting into Trust. To let it have me. The acceptance of what I cannot change. The courrage to see it. And to be where I actually was. Phew right….  But during class flashes of what I had saved in my phone came and hit me like a smack in the face. I was now without a watch, I coudn´t call home, the phonebook…  calender…pictures of the kids OMG and all my precious notes for my coming book (of course) and all the profoundness I just HAD TO remember.

Ooops. Reality check. What´s in a phone. Your life or a tool?

I realised I felt like I had lost a vital part of my body like a limb. Walking wounded. Weird. I had to laugh at myself as I just explained to my classmates how last whilst listening to when John De Ruiter had conveyed how the Being is always ok and that if we are dependant on something we create separation. And here I was feeling like I had been left alone in a dark forrest at night with no flashlight. Well alright then. I did survive. I am surviving.

And as John de Ruiter said so eloquently in his special way how nothing is more important than staying in your Being, to not separate and create illusions.

And here I was training to be a Mindfulness instructor feelings o profound and proud to have practiced Buddhist meditation for 1.5 years and now this! Sheesh. What a wonderous ways life takes us… and luckily our teacher had just gifted us a story about her own vulnerability and how she was able to comfort herself by using Loving Kindness towards her experience. To acknowedge what feelings she was experincing and the thoughts that fired them up and then to have compassion with herself and to retrieve her energy and being present again. It´s really so nice when someone you kinda look up to shows you it´s ok to feel vulnerable and that there is a way out.

And the Bigger picture what is a phone to a full heart?

Last night I found this really intersting book at the library. I always seem to enter the library with a bag full of books that are delayed for return keeping me always on the edge of debt and thinking today I shall not borrow any books because I´ll only forget to return them.. only to find myself looking like a hunchback with bags full of books as I leave. Shaking my head but singing in my heart.

Is there anything greater than a library? Sometimes in a different dimension I wish I was a librarian and I could snatch all the new books first and lock myself up in some small room and read and have crisps and just read and wake up in the middle of the night and the police are searching for me and…oh I digress.

Well this book then. It´s called “Encyclopedia of new religions”. 447 illustrated pages on religions that people are engaged in. All in the search for the light that will lead them to inner peace. Or so I assume. There is a big chapter on New Age which I dove right into.
New Age. What a fantastic concept in the realm of spacetime. Timelines. Time.
Old age, new age. Hm. Well anywhooooo. Religion is dear to my heart and also really undear. Religion messes people up in ways we cannot even conceive of. And it can also bring out the best in people. But then that best can also fuck things up.
I just also spotted a book called “Pathological alturism” (Barabara Oakley et al). Fantastic!
Now I know why I am so messed up 😉

Some research suggests that we have an innate skill to be honest and authentic as it takes less effort. We are more prone to being kind. And yet this kindness can be totally mistaken for help. A need to be helpful. Even when it´s really not a great choice. Some people call it curling, esp around kids. When people treat other people in ways that may come from an intention of kindness but really is not, it just makes the other person think they are stupid/less than/incapable and what not it actually leads to depression and even burn out syndrome. Who knew. Well obviously some who wrote this really long book that´s like £50 so I am probably not gonna get it bc I will never read the whole thing either way. But I found this really nice YouTube yesterday that I highly recommend.
Alturism isn´t bad. It´s just that we color everything with our subjective points of views and that is not always the best choice. But hey. We are all humans. Je t´aime.

Someone told me once I have a melancholic Karma of sorts. Isn´t that kinda funny?
Well today it´s raining cats and dogs outside. My electric bike is calling for me but my wellies are stashed away somewhere safe and my rainy days clothes too. Seems like a good day for studying today. Along with my long time friend Lloyd Cole. Oh that dude!
Brittish English at its best about love and lost love and lost pens and broken records and all that kind of stuff that melancholic people think about.

I remember the day we first met. Me and Lloyd Cole. Not irl. Not at that point, that came later. I saw his face on a cassette tape.  It was a choice between this unknown dude and some australian rockband with a well known radio top ten song. Luckily I picked Lloyd. My dude.  This must have been in the beginning of the 90s. The album is called “No blue skies” which of course brings us right back to this rainy day. Nothing like having morning coffee with hazelnut milk singing along to the theme song for the Album…

“you wanna leave me baby be my guest
all i’m gonna do is cry
and then i’m gonna find there’s someone else
and tear the stars out of the sky
looking for something when there’s nothing there to be found
make it easy on yourself
go out and find your body someone else
and tear the stars out of the sky“

Words. Oh words I love words. They can create and destroy and break hearts and build hearts. Oh I think I need another song along with my breakfast boring gluten free sandwich. I have a predilection for songs that makes me cry and this song just hits it every time. Nothing as delicate as a broken heart… For crying out loud.

“I took 15 years to break your spell
I loved you then, I love you still
I wake up cold, I wake up wet
My body weak, my mind is spent

I fill my days, I pay my rent
And I have no need of electric light
Because I dream the same dream every night
I call my man, I know it’s late
Could you fix me something
To put me straight?

‘Cause I need your love
I need it now
God speed your love
For crying out loud, hey yeah

You took all I have, there is no more
Mother nature lied, there is no cure
So I take my pill, I close my eyes
And I wait for sleep, I wait all night
But I see your face, I hear your voice
I call your number, I have no choice

‘Cause I need your love
I need it now
God speed your love
For crying out loud, hey yeah”

I realize lyrics without music is like a gluten free sandwish without ketchup. Weird.
So check out Spotify or whatever means you have. Youtube. Dare to be melancholic. Cry your heart out. Be dramatic. Be authentic. Be unauthentic.